Why is the Home Office so inconsiderate?

I wish the home office understood how much of an impact they actually had on peoples’ health. This morning I wanted to die. I didn’t want to be alive. I considered self harming, it took everything I had left in me to stop myself from self harming. This visa is the biggest stressor of my life and I have no control over it. I can’t do anything to change things and I can’t even contact anyone to get more information. I’m just stuck. Every time I contact the Home Office I get the same old reply, ‘we’re working on it’. But it’s been 14 months now and it was supposed to be over in 3, so why am I still waiting? Why am I still lying in my bed alone? Why is my husband still on the other side of the planet, thousands and thousands of miles away?

I wish someone would explain to these people how much is actually at stake for people. I wish they could or would even try to understand the influence their decisions have on peoples’ lives.

Suffocation

Sometimes it feels like the whole world is against me. Nobody wants to see me happy, nobody cares. Sometimes it feels like it’s just me, myself and I. I don’t know what to do about it. I just want to run away, but where? The only person I do want is thousands of miles away and pretty much unreachable. I feel suffocated.

Who do I talk to? Who do I turn to? 

Maybe if all these immigration laws weren’t in place, we’d be together and I wouldn’t feel like this. He even said to me the other day that I’m a different person when I’m over there, with him. It could just be the environment. 

I really wish I knew how to stop feeling like this. How to make it stop. I just want to be me again; is that too much to ask for? 

I want to feel alive. I feel lifeless but I can’t say I don’t have anything to live for. I feel numb. 

Nothing makes sense anymore; I want to know why I feel like this, what’s the cause, what’s the solution. But nobody tells me anything, it’s as if they don’t know either.

The doctors referral hasn’t done anything, I still haven’t seen anyone. Nobody understands. I wish somebody understood.