Why is the Home Office so inconsiderate?

I wish the home office understood how much of an impact they actually had on peoples’ health. This morning I wanted to die. I didn’t want to be alive. I considered self harming, it took everything I had left in me to stop myself from self harming. This visa is the biggest stressor of my life and I have no control over it. I can’t do anything to change things and I can’t even contact anyone to get more information. I’m just stuck. Every time I contact the Home Office I get the same old reply, ‘we’re working on it’. But it’s been 14 months now and it was supposed to be over in 3, so why am I still waiting? Why am I still lying in my bed alone? Why is my husband still on the other side of the planet, thousands and thousands of miles away?

I wish someone would explain to these people how much is actually at stake for people. I wish they could or would even try to understand the influence their decisions have on peoples’ lives.

Suicide

The thoughts are so common, more and more as the days pass. I’m scaring myself, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The worst thing? No one understands.

I asked my sister today what she would do, if I killed myself and she just laughed. I told my best friend I’m considering suicide and she told me to go f*** myself.

So really, if no one wants to understand, what do I have to stick around for? Apart from my husband. If I wasn’t married to that amazing piece of human being, I probably would have done it tonight. There are enough painkillers in my room and if they didn’t do the trick I would’ve turned to something else. But he is so good to me and I HAVE to care for him because God knows if anyone will look after him if I’m not around and God knows how broken he’ll be.

But I don’t know how to cope anymore, I don’t know what to turn to. The only stable thing in my life, my husband, is on the other side of the planet.