For a few years now I have been suffering from depressive symptomology and lucky for me, because I have been studying psychology for 5 years now, I picked up on the symptoms quickly. However, the more the symptoms took a hold over me, the less I felt like I had the strength to do anything about it. I suffered for about a year and a half, maybe 2 years until I decided that it was all too much and that I had to do something about it; I couldn’t go on like this anymore.
Due to the fact I’m Asian and my parents are from Pakistan, I knew telling them about this wouldn’t be as easy as I would want it to be and so I was pretty much alone (I had told a couple of my friends, but everyone was away at university, so no one was physically there to support me).
Eventually I decided that I had to do something. The first doctor I saw, I broke down in front of; I told her how I felt, but no matter how much I tried to keep the emotions inside me, they somehow managed to escape and I sat there sobbing my heart out. The doctor just handed me the antidepressants and put me on a waiting list for counselling, no sympathy shown, leaving me questioning whether I actually looked like the mess I thought I had. On the way home I disposed of all packaging of the medication so my parents wouldn’t see anything to be able to ask questions. But the more I thought about taking the antidepressants, the more I didn’t want to just take them, I wanted to make sure every other possibility was ruled out; I didn’t want to accept that it was actually depression, I mean what do I have to be depressed about right?
I went back to see a different doctor at my local surgery and asked him to book me in for bloods and check for everything (I had googled the scenario and found that people often mistake vitamin D deficiency and other disorders for depression, as they produce similar symptoms). My results came back all good, apart from what I had suspected, my vitamin D levels were low. According to the doctor, my vitamin D levels were below half of what they should be, which as he also said, was common for Asians due to the colour of our skin. He gave me medication which was to bring my vitamin levels back to normal and for the first few months I felt like a different person. But as time went on, I started to go back to how I had previously felt. I struggled to get out of bed again in the mornings, I constantly felt tired, my mood was all over the place and I just couldn’t be dealing with anyone around me.
It took me another couple of months to pluck up the courage up again, but I went back to the doctor and after going over the previous blood results, his response was, it can’t be anything else, it must be depression. He offered me anitidepressants again, which as I forgot to mention before, I didn’t take the first time and wasn’t too keen on taking them unless there was nothing else that could be done. I said I wanted to try counselling and that if that didn’t work I would go back and we could think of something else.
I remember the walk home from the surgery that day, very clearly. I felt as though I had a huge weight on my shoulders, I felt doomed. Many people I know, who also suffer from depression have told me that it isn’t something that just goes away. It comes and goes and even when you feel it’s completely gone, it will come back twice as hard. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. As well as that, I am the child of Asian parents with an orthodox mentality, how the hell am I going to explain any of this to them.
I had to eventually, I told my mum and her response was ‘why would you take antidepressants, God knows what’s actually wrong with you’. They know about most of my symptomology, the physical factors more than the mental ones and they also knew about the vitamin D tablets, but the concept of their daughter, who truthfully they have spoilt rotten as much as they could (we have never been financially well off), having depression isn’t a subject which sits well with them; in their eyes it’s impossible.
On a bad day, I really wish they understood. On a day when all I want to do is crawl back into bed, headphones in, some pointless TV drama on my laptop, lost in the world of the characters in screen, forgetting about my actual life, I wish I could do that no questions asked. But instead mum pesters me about my mood being off and me being so grumpy. It’s not always easy to hide how I feel, sometimes I’m consumed so much by these feelings I just want a getaway.
For now, I’m waiting on my letter for my first counselling meeting and I guess I shall take it from there. I suppose the point of this post was to raise awareness about the fact that there is such little understand about mental health. Being a psychology student, mental health is something I have a strong passion for, I really believe more awareness should be created about depression and other mental health conditions, so that those who are having to endure the symptoms get all the support they deserve.
For anyone who has read this and feels they need support, feel free to leave me a comment with your details, I would love to be there for you.
A rollercoaster of emotions 